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  “I’m so sorry.” Dael’s eyes were dark, whether from sympathy or anger, Spinner couldn’t tell.

  “I shouldn’t have brought this up now. Today. Compared to what’s happened, it’s nothing.” Spinner stood and cleared off the table, not sure why she was suddenly so rigid, so stiff that it actually hurt.

  “Days like today bring up all sorts of emotions and memories.”

  “And I was waiting here to be a sounding-board and help you feel better. That sure backfired.” Spinner stowed the plates in the cleaner and closed the lid. A faint hum proved it had started the washing process instantly. “You still want me to hang around or…” Only now did she notice she was twisting the end of her left sleeve until she’d constricted the blood flow to her hand.

  “Yes. I do. I know it’s not what we planned, but if we could just sit on the couch for a bit, that’d be perfect.” Dael stood and passed Spinner on the way to the couch.

  Not sure how it happened, as her arms moved so fast and, it seemed, of their own volition, Spinner pulled her into a fierce embrace. Dael gasped, almost stumbled, but then clung to Spinner, her arms around her waist. Spinner held on to Dael with one hand around her tank-top shoulder strap. When Dael sank into the hug, Spinner shifted her grip and wrapped her arms around Dael’s neck.

  “I hurt. I never thought I’d hurt this badly,” Dael murmured. “It’s as if I carry the pain of each and every one of my crew and passengers. I can’t breathe. I can’t.”

  “Yes, you can. Just let it go.” Spinner felt back in control of her own emotions by putting Dael’s wellbeing first. “You have all the help of your senior staff, the counselors, everybody. Yes, we look to you for guidance, but we’re also your support, your shoulders to lean on, if you will. And you have me—in whatever capacity you need me. I’m here.” She was walking on loose sand now, offering more than she’d ever offered anyone, apart from Pherry and his family. Perhaps even more.

  *

  “Oh, Aniwyn.” Dael pushed her face into Spinner’s neck. The soft fragrance of soap and something sweet and fruity pulled her farther in, and she shamelessly clung to Spinner’s waist.

  “Hey, let’s sit down. Didn’t mean to ambush you.” Spinner tugged her along to the couch where Dael let go enough to sit down. Spinner followed suit and pulled a blanket over both their legs. The warmth was such bliss, but it was the shared comfort that made it possible to finally draw deep breaths. Dael knew she hadn’t taken one full breath since the news hit. When she closed her eyes, she saw the images of burning people, of structures falling on crowds, crushing them, and other demonstrators holding their heads in desperate grips as they screamed for seemingly no apparent reason.

  “I’ve always defended the changers,” Spinner murmured, and began unfastening Dael’s hair, pulling one hair-tie out after another until her long hair lay in thick tresses around her shoulders. “I’ve maintained my opinion that they never could choose,” Spinner continued, “that they were born with this dormant genetic makeup triggered by the Creator knows what. Most of them are harmless people that the so-called normal population harass.”

  “And now we’ve seen the ones who are hostile and use their new powers with evil intent. They might have convinced themselves that they had to do it this way to bring their cause to the forefront. Such fools…If anything, this makes everyone hate and fear them even more.”

  “Yes, I know. I knew of several changers who had to leave the service because of DNA screenings. I objected to the screenings.” Spinner pulled Dael against her shoulder.

  “Lights at ambiance level.” Dael drew her feet up under her. The intimate closeness was making her heart hammer in a much more pleasant way than it had during this hellacious day. “I did too. At least twenty percent of the ones with the dormant changer genes never notice any new and supernatural abilities. Though I admit, I thought the rumors of the ones who could fly were hoaxes. I’ve seen amazing things among the changers—psychic abilities, telekinetic gifts, camouflagers, fire-starters, impenetrable skin, etc. Never anyone flying, though. ”

  “Me either.” Spinner started rubbing Dael’s bare arm under the blanket. “I’m torn about the next report—impatient to know more, to hear from family and friends, but also afraid what it might disclose.”

  “You probably share those mixed emotions with just about everyone here. I stopped by Nania’s quarters on the way here. That’s why I was later than I intended. She’s handling it well, but of course, she’s stunned like the rest of us.” Dael tipped her head against the backrest. “I was concerned since she’s old and her heart isn’t as strong as it used to be.”

  “You can usually tell how well she’s doing if you pay attention to her gallows humor.”

  “True. Wait. How do you know?” Dael turned her head, looking at Spinner, who was literally squirming.

  “I visit with her sometimes. At her request, but the truth is, I really like her. I should’ve told you, but Helden didn’t want me to. Not sure why.”

  “Oh, I can guess,” Dael muttered. “Don’t worry. I’m not angry and I don’t mind. In fact, if Helden enjoys your company and you’re all right with it, I don’t see why you couldn’t visit with her. If anything, I may be a little bit envious.”

  “I realize she’s your nania—”

  “That she gets so much of your time.” Dael felt less weighed down every time she dared tell Spinner something true on a personal level. Admitting something close to jealousy like this was huge.

  Spinner hummed something inaudible and bent Dael over the backrest, so very gently. Dael could only look up into Spinner’s dark eyes, now gleaming with something other than tears or pain. In fact, the way Dael scanned her was close to predatory.

  It was inevitable. Spinner slowly lowered her head and pressed her lips to Dael’s. Softly, she kept them there, not deepening the kiss, but repeating it over and over in small, gentle caresses. Dael knew this was a complication she could ill afford, but the kiss was like no other she’d received. That was just it; Spinner’s kisses were like gifts.

  Trembling now, Dael pushed her hands into Spinner’s curly hair. Soft like a baby’s, it twirled itself around her fingers, pulling her in even more.

  “Oh, Dael…Dael…” Spinner moaned against Dael’s lips. “I’ve wanted this for so long.” She let her lips travel along Dael’s jawline toward her neck.

  Dael in turn massaged and scratched Spinner’s scalp gently. “So have I. But it’s not right. I mean, it’s not fair on…oh!”

  Spinner used her tongue to caress the indentation at the base of Dael’s neck. The fire inside Dael erupted, and suddenly images of burning people interfered, flickering across the inside of her eyelids. Moaning, she pushed at Spinner.

  “Aniwyn. We have to stop. I…can’t. I can’t.” She was shaking and trying to breathe evenly.

  Spinner pulled back, her eyes huge. “Am I hurting you?”

  “No. No! I just can’t do this. The intimacy. You know, between us.” Dael sat up and made sure their legs didn’t touch. “It’s—I can’t be involved like that. With a subordinate. I’m sorry…Aniwyn?”

  “Because I’m a subordinate? I’ve been under your command since day one. We all are.”

  “Yes, or course, but—” Dael knew now she was in pain after all. “I feel what you feel. If things were different, I would’ve pursued this…you much sooner.” Standing up, Dael tugged at her fingers, trying to explain.

  “So, despite knowing how good we could be together, how well we fit, and the way we feel…or at least I do…” Spinner pushed her hair out of her face. “Or you might not feel like I do at all?” To hear her sound so confused and lost tore at Dael, beat at her chest until it was hard to breathe.

  “Oh, don’t sound so forlorn. You’re killing me with those big, dark eyes.” Flinging her hands in the air, Dael tried to corral her rampaging emotions. “I don’t want to lose you.” Panic started to simmer under the surface, which she clung to in an effort to maintain h
er equilibrium.

  “Let me see if I understand. You don’t want to lose me, but you don’t want me like this. Like a lover.” Spinner looked like she was really trying to understand, but it was equally clear that she didn’t.

  “I’ve been very selfish,” Dael said quietly. “I’ve allowed myself to enjoy this closeness, this flirtation, if you will, hoping nobody would get hurt. Least of all you. I could see how you looked at me, how you reacted physically to our proximity. I thought it would pass, that you’d move on. You have quite the reputation for being…”

  “Frivolous?” Spinner filled in the word with a noncommittal voice. “Or perhaps even promiscuous?”

  “No! No.” Dael sat back down next to Spinner. “I’d never think of you as either of those. You know I value your friendship and respect.” She swallowed against the increasing dryness in her throat. “This other part of it, the sexual tension, I…I was taken aback and couldn’t resist you…your beauty and your innate sensuality.”

  “I wish you hadn’t strung me along, then. You made me hope for more.” Spinner spoke thickly, her eyes glossy. “Because I want more, much more. I guess that’s not what people in general would guess when they’re considering my image as a cavalier spin-jack gambling, brandy-drinking, and most definitely shallow kind of woman.” Bitterness crept into her voice. “Who in their right mind would set out to have a meaningful, deep relationship with someone like me? The fact that my former lovers never bothered to stick around long enough to find out who I really am also speaks for my lack of taste in women. Then there was you, in command. You took my breath away. Can you imagine how stunned I was when we danced and then you kissed my cheek? After that, I lost my heart to you, bit by bit.”

  “Spinner.” Dael had misjudged this woman and the depths of her feelings, her sincerity. “I can’t do this today. I can’t have this discussion. I’m sorry.”

  “You’re sorry?” Spinner looked at her, the pain clearly visible. “You don’t have to be sorry for the way you feel. It is what it is. I should’ve known better.” She began to get up. “I’ll just—oh!”

  Dael panicked at the thought of them parting with all the hurt still simmering, so she wrapped her arms around Spinner’s neck and hugged her. “I’m sorry. Don’t go like this.”

  “Dael?” Spinner sounded more dazed than upset.

  “We have to figure this out, and we will, but not today. That doesn’t mean I want you to go. Please stay. Please, Aniwyn?”

  Spinner pulled back some and cupped Dael’s cheeks, caressing her temples with her thumbs. Humming, she kissed Dael’s forehead. “Hush,” she said in a low murmur. “Don’t panic.”

  “Don’t go.” Dael knew she was becoming unraveled, and not only because the situation with her and Spinner but all of the horrific events that had occurred without time to process in between. “Damn it.” Her voice hitched and she began to tremble.

  Spinner’s lips softened even more as they covered Dael’s mouth again. She melted into the kiss before she realized she was reciprocating again. Her synapses fired off a distinct sizzle in her brain. Spinner made the kisses even impossibility lighter, barely noticeable on the lips, but very much so in the rest of Dael’s body. They went from arousing to hypnotic without Dael realizing it, and then, she finally relaxed as they lowered themselves into a reclining position. Exhausted, she fell asleep on her couch with Spinner for the second time.

  When she woke up a few hours later, she was firmly tucked in with the blanket, her boots on the floor next to the couch, but Spinner was gone.

  Chapter Twenty-two

  Spinner opened her eyes and groaned at what clearly was a mistake. “Ow. Ow-ow-ow.” She stood on wobbly legs and tried to remember what woke her up.

  Her door chime rang, reminding her in yet another painful way.

  “Hold on.” She gazed down at her rumbled uniform. Sleeping with her clothes on wasn’t smart at all. A glance at the mirror in the small closet area confirmed that she looked like she felt. Gray-toned skin, dark circles, and bloodshot eyes.

  “Spinner, are you all right?” a bright voice asked from the other side of the door. Darmiya.

  Groaning again, and regretting even that as it hurt her head, Spinner opened the door. Darmiya brushed past her and pivoted so quickly, Spinner could feel the draft from her movement.

  “Are you trying to kill yourself?” Darmiya spoke with as much anger as someone so vivacious could muster.

  “What are you talking about? And while we’re on the subject of talking, please keep it down a bit. I have a headache.”

  “No wonder! You played cards all night, and it was a miracle you won anything as you never let go of that bottle of brandy the whole time.” Darmiya glared at her, but she was clearly concerned.

  “How would you possibly know?” Spinner moved to the bathroom and began to undress. A quick visit to the shower-tube together with some herbal tea would help.

  “Because Calagan was one of the players. He came home and said you were acting so out of character that he was worried. He even talked about going to the admiral—”

  “No.” Spinner poked her head out, half undressed. “That’s not necessary. I’m fine. I just need to kick back and relax in my own way when I’m off duty.”

  Darmiya wasn’t buying it. Her eyes singed Spinner’s as she took a step closer. “Didn’t you once tell me that as CAG, much like the admiral and Doc, you’re never off duty? Your pilots might need you at any given time. Or did I dream up that whole conversation?”

  Cornered now, and hating it, Spinner pulled back into the bathroom. “You know what I mean. Don’t I have the right to some rest and relaxation?”

  “Of course you do.” Darmiya’s voice softened marginally. “But when your means of relaxation is hurting you, and potentially endangering those you command aboard the ship, you need to question yourself.”

  “I’m not endangering anything or anyone!” Spinner stepped into the shower-tube and put the setting on extra hot. The recycled water hit her shoulders with such force, it hurt. The pain felt good, as it was cleansing her, and she just stood there, letting the spray do the punishing.

  As she rolled a towel around herself, Spinner listened for sounds from the living area of her quarters, half hoping Darmiya had left.

  “I’m still here if you’re wondering,” Darmiya said, as if reading her mind. “I’ve made tea and breakfast. I hope you like cereal.”

  “Thank you. It’s fine.” Spinner dressed in a light-gray leisure suit. She wasn’t on duty until late afternoon. She’d have time to recycle her uniform before then.

  In the living area, Darmiya had set the table and even added three small flowers to a water-filled mug. Had she had them when storming through the door? Spinner couldn’t remember. She sat down and greedily gulped in half a mug of tea. She poured more from the kettle and kept drinking.

  “You realize that’s yet another effect of too much brandy.” Darmiya sounded so sad, Spinner flinched and stared at her.

  “Drinking tea?”

  “No. Gulping two mugs down in less than twenty secs. Restoring symptoms of dehydration and regulating the blood glucose and level of saline. Typical for a hangover. This will help too. She pushed some cereal and a protein bar toward Spinner.

  “You seem to have read up on this.” Spinner peeled the wrapping off the protein bar and bit off a piece.

  “I did, actually. I also talked, hypothetically speaking, to Doc.”

  “What?” Spinner dropped the protein bar. “You told Doc? Don’t you realize he will write me up and that way you might as well have sent a memo to Dael?”

  “Listen to me. I spoke to Doc about a hypothetical person, and even if he guessed it was you—and he might—he can’t write you up. I’m not stupid.” Darmiya spoke softly now. “Aniwyn, please.”

  Suddenly swallowing against tears, which she hated and simply refused to let run down her cheeks, Spinner picked up the bar and finished it. “Just give it a rest, Dar.”


  “Didn’t you once tell me your father was a drunk, and a mean drunk at that?” Darmiya asked softly.

  The question, put forward in such an innocent voice, hit Spinner right between the eyes. She was about to turn into her father. The woman she cared about more than anything didn’t feel the way she did…rejected her, really, and so she turned to gambling and drinking…just like her father had done after her mother left. How could she have gone on like this for weeks and not realized?

  “Yes, I did,” she answered, her voice so husky it was barely carrying.

  “You’re mainly hurting yourself, but if you ever took the time to look at the admiral, you’d see how she’s suffering too.” Darmiya rounded the table and put her arm around Spinner. “It’s none of my business what goes on between you, but it is my business when my friend is skidding down the wrong path.”

  Spinner was so close at snapping at Darmiya for bringing up Dael she had to pinch the skin between her thumb and index finger to stop herself. A mean drunk. “I’ll stop. I’m not just saying that. I see what you’re saying and I will stop. Not the spin jack,” Spinner added with a wry grin, “but the brandy. I promise.” She meant it. No way she was turning into the man who’d hurt her brother so badly. No fucking way.

  “Good.” Darmiya tugged at one of Spinner’s curly tresses. “I think you have a lot to figure out, and doing it in a haze of brandy fumes is making it harder than it has to be.”

  “Yeah.”

  Darmiya stayed as Spinner finished her breakfast, chattering in her usual harmless way, but Spinner knew Darmiya was making sure her words had sunk in.